


Seeking Oblivion

by LadyoftheWoods



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst for days, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Angst, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Happy Ending, Fairy Tale Curses, Occurs after SvsS Redux, Roman is not okay, Sympathetic Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Sympathetic Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Sympathetic Logic | Logan Sanders, Sympathetic Morality | Patton Sanders, in the meantime lots of angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:27:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24461989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyoftheWoods/pseuds/LadyoftheWoods
Summary: After SvsS Redux, Roman spent a lot of time thinking. And he has decided on the best course of action. Now it's up to the others to save him from himself.
Comments: 94
Kudos: 220





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> MY MIND HAS TOO MANY IDEAS AND WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE  
> seriously people, I'm working on three other projects already, two already past fifty pages, one OVER A HUNDRED and NOW THIS 
> 
> someone tell my personal creativity to slow the heck down.

He was sitting. Thinking. 

His sash was torn off and thrown across the room in an angry ball, though the anger had long since drained out of him, leaving him with empty, cold… remorse. 

Gods above, how was he always so stupid? 

He just can’t keep up, can’t learn the rules quick enough to play by them, can’t be the knight in shining armor, can’t be what everyone expects him to be!

The trial. If The Trial was the tipping point, then today had been the breaking point, and all the days before had just been leading up to this moment. The fall of a hero. 

He shifted, pressing the heels of his hands against his eyes, inhaling deeply to try and keep the tangle of emotions from swallowing him again. 

It wasn’t Deceit… Janus’s… fault. He had buttered him up like a piece of toast, but he had been right. He had wanted the callback, and not the wedding. The whole Thomas being a good person thing? That was irrelevant. It shouldn’t have been brought into the conversation, the discussion shouldn’t have been about that, and if it hadn’t been… 

If it had simply been an issue of wanting two things at once, they would have come up with the compromise idea soon enough to ask Lee and Mary Lee if they were alright with it. Instead, the question was is Thomas good, not how do we get what Thomas wants? 

And that… that was what was breaking him. Because it wasn’t Janus’s fault at all, really, though he was the one who had started the whole trial thing, got side tracked by his own agenda of proving that he was needed, that Thomas lied, but he understood that. Wanting validation, wanting to fit in, wanting to be heard. 

No, it was Patton’s. 

Because if Patton hadn’t been so against the idea of lying that he refused to see any other option than pure truth, hadn’t been so against the idea of give and take, then maybe, maybe, they could have still had both. 

And now, now, Patton was saying he’d had no idea what he was doing!? 

He had tried so, so, so, hard, to follow Patton’s rules, to be good, to be the hero, be the prince, be the selfless one, all to find out that it didn’t mean anything? That his entire role, his entire identity, didn’t mean anything at all? 

It was his own stupidity again. He’s the one who chose the wedding, simply to spite Janus, to prove himself to Patton, even though it had felt like swallowing nails. He was the one who lashed out at everyone because he couldn’t understand what they wanted from him, he’s the one who hurt Janus, made fun of his name, and, hell, if morals and good and selflessness didn’t mean anything, maybe he was the evil twin. 

That’s what had brought him here. He wasn’t needed. Thomas already had a back up creativity, and at least that one was honest with himself and others, Remus never lied, always said exactly what came to mind, and he wasn’t evil, not really, just different. Once again, it was Patton who had painted those lines in the sand, and he had followed blindly. Though Remus and him did clash naturally, he wondered what they could have made if he stopped fighting his other half at every turn and worked with him for once. 

He sighed, looking up, vision dancing with spots from the applied pressure to his eyes. He was sure Logan would have some scientific term for it, but he didn’t know it, and he didn’t need to. 

From his seat atop the soft bed, he could see out the large window of the tower, nothing but blue skies and soft, fluffy clouds. He was high, he’d made sure it was high, that there was no way up. 

And before him was the spinning wheel. A bit cliché, perhaps, but what about him wasn’t? What about his rise and plummet wasn’t the epitome of ironic, tragic fairytale? Might as well stick to the aesthetic one last time. 

He’d enchanted it, of course. Slowly, he reached his hand up, hating how it shook, how his own cowardly hesitation had him nearly biting his tongue with the effort to keep going, until his finger rested atop the spindle. 

One prick. One prick and he’d fall asleep, a deep, endless, dreamless, slumber. Thomas wouldn’t suffer for it, he wouldn’t be gone or ducked out, just… in stasis. Only if or when he was ever truly needed once more would the curse be broken and he would awake. 

It was for the best. He always made such a mess of things. He never made the right choices. He never made anything or anyone better, and he was fraying, falling apart at the seams. 

He pictured Patton’s smiling face, eyes alit and cheeks flushed with happiness. He pictured Logan, the small upturn at the corners of his lips, the excited glint in his eyes, the expression on his face when Thomas had called him ‘cool’. He imagined Virgil’s restrained laugh, hair long, almost obscuring his glimmering eyes, his quick wit and soft smile as they exchanged verbal barbs in good fun. He imagined Janus reading the apology letter he’d left on the side’s desk, too cowardly to say it to his face, hoping he could feel the sincerity of it in his shaky handwriting. Finally, he imagined Remus, wide, excited smile, eyes wide and sparkling like emeralds as he took center stage, a role denied him for far too long. 

“I love you.” He whispered, quietly, knowing no one would hear, but needing to say it anyway. Then his finger pricked the spindle. 

He flinched and drew back, stretching out across the bed, trying to get comfortable as the world spun, the colors leeching out of it, gray obscuring his vision until he couldn’t make out shapes, a final sigh escaping his lips as his body fully relaxed for the first time in years, the pricked hand he was cradling to his chest falling limp against the bed as oblivion embraced him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The others discover something is very wrong with Roman.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Send me help, please, i'm writing everything simultaneously and switching from past to present tense and my brain is about to explode because I still have more ideas! My muse is suddenly working overtime, and I both love and hate them for it.

It was midday when Janus came thundering up the stairs, startling Virgil, who was on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, trying to get rid of the final vestiges of jitters from the unbelievable, endless, panic attack from the day before. 

“Jesus, Jan. Warn a side.” That was enough to freeze him in place, the casualness with which Virgil addressed him, using not only his name but his old nickname.

“you… are we… what?” He stammered, not sure if he’d just wandered into the twilight zone or some alternate reality. 

“look. You… helped me out, yesterday, and I appreciated you checking in, knowing how anxious I must be. Especially… especially since nobody else did.” Virgil’s lips twisted in a small, bitter smile, as he looked away, pulling on his hoodie strings.

“Virgil-“ 

“It’s fine. Everyone… everyone else was busy with their own meltdowns, and it sounded like I wouldn’t have wanted to be there, anyway. Giant frog monster Pat? Yeah, no thanks.” Virgil shuddered, a small smile flashing across Janus’s face. 

“so. Thanks. I guess. Both for helping me, and… and protecting Thomas. You’re really… helpful, when you’re not being an arrogant ass.” Virgil mumbled, and Janus let out a small laugh, softening, accepting Virgil’s olive branch for what it was. 

“We didn’t leave things on the best of terms, so, I get it if we’re not cool. But, um, can we try? To… work together?” Virgil’s voice was a squeak, and Janus smiled, just a bit.

“Yes. I would like that. You can start with this.” He said, sitting on the couch next to Virgil, seriousness coming back as he remembered why he came up here in the first place, passing the note to Virgil.

“What… is this from Princey?” Virgil mumbled, reading it slowly, eyes widening as he came to the end. 

“What does he mean? Janus, what does he mean ‘I’m sorry and tell Remus I know he’ll be more than I ever was?’ What…” His hands were gripping the paper hard, face paling. 

“It was left on my desk. Roman… he apologizes, for making fun of my name, for calling me the villain and his general attitude towards me, for siding against me with Patton, telling me I was right about all the self care I was preaching, that he hopes everyone takes my advice and takes some time. And he hopes,” his voice cracks for a second, his worry clogging his throat, “he hopes he gets to see everyone once again. I was hoping any of you had seen him since yesterday’s events, I’m… worried.” Virgil shook his head. 

“No, no, we haven’t, we thought… I thought, he was just in his room, cooling down, or upset, or off in the imagination, beating shit up. But that… that doesn’t sound like him. Not ok him. Patton! Lo!” 

Logan rose up first, adjusting his glasses, Patton following shortly after, though he looked slightly more disheveled than Logan, smiling weakly at Janus. 

“Has anyone seen Roman?” Virgil asked, Logan shaking his head, Patton frowning. 

“No, I thought we should give the kiddo some space.” Virgil muttered a curse under his breath, looking to Janus for permission, before passing the note to Logan. He read it with a furrowed brow, Patton peeking over his shoulder, hand flying to cover his mouth as he got to the end. 

“We should check on him. Immediately. I… the tone of this letter is extremely concerning.” Logan, voice shaking just a tad. Without further encouragement, Patton nodded, taking off down the hallway towards Roman’s room, the others not far behind. 

“Roman? Kiddo, you in there?” Patton called, knocking on the door, frowning as he heard nothing in response. “I know you might not wanna talk right now, but can you just let me know you’re ok in there?” He tried again, met once more with only silence. He took a deep breath before trying the handle, a bit relieved to find the room unlocked. 

“Roman?” Logan called hesitantly, stepping past Patton and into the room, eyes widening at the state of it. 

It should have been messy. There should have been playbills from every show they'd been in or attended framed on the walls, a myriad of posters interspersed amongst them. Light should have been shining down from the large, stained glass ceiling, notebooks and loose papers filled with sketches and ideas should have been scattered about every inch of the floor. It should be a chaotic, colorful, clashing, mess.

Instead…

Instead it was clean, tidy… empty. Nothing on the pale cream walls, the posters gone, presumably packed into the neat pile of boxes stacked against one wall, each one labeled. Posters, notebooks, clothes, art supplies, all packed away, as if Roman was moving. 

“what the…” Patton passed Logan, pulling the white sheet off the standing mirror, Roman's portal to the imagination, blanching instantly. 

Usually, the portal showed the other side, green fields or a distant castle, magical forests, whatever Roman had conjured. Now it reflected nothing but a light, swirling mist. Carefully, he reached out, gasping as he laid a palm flat against the glass, instead of simply passing through it. His portal was… broken?

Virgil inhaled sharply, face paling suddenly, and Janus had to wrap an arm around his shoulders to keep him steady as he stumbled. 

“Vee?” he asked.

“It’s cracked. H-his mirror. It’s breaking. Roman's… roman's fading.” 

“No. No he can’t… he hasn’t ducked out! We would know, if he’d ducked out.” Patton answered, unable to take his eyes off the glass, seeing now the small, hairline breaks in the surface, tracing them lightly with his finger.

“That's not the only thing that could lead to him fading. If he isn’t here, he must be in the imagination.” Janus replied.

“And given that his portal is no longer working, that leaves us with one option. Remus!” Logan called, not flinching as he instantly popped into existence, so close to his face their noses were touching.

“Lolo! I’m surprised you called. Finally letting loose? Time for some roleplay? I've always wanted to be the school girl. I’ve been bad professor, surely there's some way I could earn extra credit?” Remus asked in a high falsetto that was also somehow husky. Patton winced, and Logan heard Virgil's faint ‘gross', but he didn’t back away or back down.

“Fortunately, no. We need passage through the imagination. You are the side to call, are you not?” He asked evenly, Remus backing away with a scowl. He never could get a rise out of Logan. 

“Of course. But you don’t need me for that. You’ve got goody two shoes disney prince. You don’t need me." Remus pouted sourly, pacing away, hands fidgeting wildly. 

“Remus. Look around. Where do you think we are right now?” Logan asked. Remus spun around, glaring at the plain walls, plain floors, plain ceiling, a few hours and some blood, he could make a masterpiece! 

Then his gaze drifted, and he shoved past Logan, barely noticing Patton letting out a squeak and just barely avoiding getting barreled through as his eyes flitted over the mirror. 

He let out a low growl, pressing his palm to the surface, demanding to see, demanding to be let in, demanding it show him.

Gray. Nothing. Silence.

He stumbled back, clutching at his chest, eyes wide as he stared at the glass, the cracks ever so slightly longer. 

“oh no no no no. That’s not right. That’s not right at all.” 

“Remus? What is it?” Patton, hesitant.

“Nothing. It… there was nothing.” Remus gathered himself, spinning on his heel, passing Virgil and Janus as he stalked out the door. “Well? Are you coming or not?” The group glanced at each other, before following Remus back down the stairs. 

He was muttering and mumbling to himself the whole time as he walked, hand clenching and unclenching as he stalked to his own room, shoving open the door, not caring if the others had followed or not as he strode through his mirror, aiming for the border of the kingdom closest to Roman's.

“are… are we sure about this?” Patton squeaked outside of Remus's room, more than a little intimidated by whatever would be inside his imagination.

“Yes. If we wish to stop whatever is happening from developing further, we need to follow." Logan replied, not hesitating as he, too, vanished through the mirror. 

“It’ll be ok, Pat. He's… wild, but he’d never do any lasting damage to one of us.” Virgil reassured lowly, taking a breath before stepping through himself. 

“Patton?” Janus slipped his hand into Patton's, summoning all his sincerity as he met the moral side's eyes. 

“you can do this." Patton took a shaky breath, shooting Janus a small, lopsided smile.

“Ok. Let's go.” Patton whispered, squeezing his hand once before squaring his shoulders and walking through the glass, hand in hand with Janus.  
…

Remus stopped in his tracks as soon as he looked up after crossing the mirror, frozen to the spot.

This… this was wrong. This was wrong.

It had let him out on a crag, overlooking Roman's side. Usually it was magical forests and herds of unicorns far as the eye could see, Roman's colorful story book castle rising up in the distance. Maybe a few sparkling gem colored dragons circling the air. The sun gently shining, fluffy white clouds, the perfect image of the perfect day. 

Now, all of that was gone. 

It was eerily quiet, the kind of quiet that meant all life had fled, the kind of quiet that stilled the air, the entire world holding its breath. 

A light, gray mist covered the entire plain, though it didn’t smell like rain, like wet earth, like mist should. It was just… there, slowly covering everything. Huge, twisting vines covered in sharp thorns grew from the ground like trees, twisting over and across each other in arches and knots. 

And there, far in the distance, a gray spire of stone, the only thing breaking the monotony of the endless vines, a tower.

That’s where Roman was. He could feel it. But he couldn’t feel anything else. Him and Roman were linked, to an almost telepathic level at times, and at some level he always knew vaguely what Roman was feeling, the more he concentrated, the more precise he became. 

He was using all his focus now, trying to pull at that link, trying to pull anything from Roman, only to be met again and again by that terrifying blankness of nothing.

He was barely aware that the other sides had joined him in staring out into the distance, he felt ten degrees removed from his body as he realized what, exactly, was happening. The mist wasn’t just covering everything, it wasn’t a conscious aesthetic choice on Roman’s part, and neither were the vines. They were taking over. They were all that was left, they were slowly but surely destroying Roman’s imagination. And he was in the middle of it. 

He heard sharp inhales and shocked gasps, dimly realizing he must have spoken aloud, cotton still filling his ears as he refused to take his eyes off the tower. 

Roman. 

He hated Roman. 

He loved Roman. 

He couldn’t live without Roman. 

“Remus.” Suddenly Janus was before him, close, and he snapped his attention to him, despair filling him as he met those gold and brown eyes. “Breathe. We will get him back.” 

“promise?” He whispered, feeling tears pricking his eyes, and god, if Roman did come back from this, he was going to murder him all over again. 

“promise. We need you to show us the way.” He shook his head. 

“I don’t know. I can still conjure over there, sure, but I can’t change the landscape, I can’t get us any closer than this! We’d have to walk it and that would take days, and by that time, the mist will have swallowed up everything, and there’ll be nothing left, including us, and then Thomas will be no better than a potato!” He yelled, arms flailing above his head as he ranted, pacing restlessly, everything in him screaming to move. 

“We have longer than you are estimating, Remus. Roman has been a central part of Thomas for nigh on three decades. It is therefore unlikely that he would fade quite so quickly, especially since he has not ducked out. He is in the imagination, where he is arguably strongest. And… he is not trying to fade, based on his letter. We have time, as much as it feels otherwise. We have time to fix this.” Logan interjected, his science tempered with his nervous tone, though his eyes, too, were fixed on the horizon. 

“We won’t fix anything just standing around here all day. Are we going, or not?” Virgil asked, glaring out at the vines, a glare nearly strong enough to make them wilt on his face, as he turned to Remus. 

“You can at least make stairs to get us down there, right?” Remus nodded, a snap of his fingers and a winding stairway was cut into the stone. Virgil gave a sharp nod in thanks, starting down the pathway, down towards the mist, down towards Roman. 

Logan gave his shoulder a squeeze as he passed, a small sign of reassurance and solidarity. Janus softly bumped his shoulder as he made his way to the stairs. And Patton… Patton slipped his hand into his, nearly making him jump at the sign of affection, from Patton, of all people.

“come on, kiddo. Let’s go.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Janus and Logan have a conversation as the journey continues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very dialogue heavy this chapter, but I really liked how it turned out.

It was… unnerving, Janus had to admit, walking through such a dead, quiet imagination. Virgil had taken the lead, eyes scanning the forest, head slightly cocked as he listened for anything approaching. 

Idly, he let his hand trail through the mist, watching it part around his fingers. It didn’t even feel like anything. Nothing did. He was used to the imagination having substance, depth, birds singing, wind blowing, the thousand little details that made it all feel real. 

Even the vines, huge as they were, didn’t seem fully really… real. There was no sound, not even their own footsteps made noise against the ground, no smell, from the earth or the vines or mist, and nothing different to see for miles. The land itself didn’t even have any character to it, it was all one endless flat plain of vines the size of redwoods and the smoky fog that obscured the ground. At least that made it easy terrain to traverse. They were making better time than anyone had anticipated, though now that they were getting deeper, it was getting harder to keep their bearings. 

He let his pace slow just a tad, falling back to walk step in step with Logan. He seemed lost in his own thoughts, and Janus didn’t want to interrupt him. So he simply waited, walking silently until Logan seemed to come back to the present, acknowledging his presence with a small nod. 

“Janus. Is there something you needed?” Logan’s voice was even and calm, and it was an absolute lie. And that was partially Janus’ own fault. 

“No. But I have something long owed you, if you’ll have it. An apology.” He replied softly enough the others wouldn’t hear, but Logan could. This wasn’t their business, but he owed Logan this. 

“For what, exactly?” Logan, not pausing in his stride, though some barely repressed emotion flashed across his face.

“A multitude of things. The most recent of which is pulling you out and replacing you yesterday.” He noticed Logan rub his neck where his cane had hooked him, wincing as he saw a flash of a bruise peeking out from under his collar. “I did not mean to hurt you, physically or otherwise, and I know I did both.” Logan looked hard at him for a moment before sighing, clasping his hands behind his back. 

“What did you hope to accomplish, in impersonating me at that juncture?” 

“I hoped they would listen, that Thomas, at least, would listen, before things went any farther. And they would have never listened to me, as I am, not then.” Logan let out a small, bitter laugh. 

“Clearly you weren’t paying attention to events before you pulled me out. Patton skipped me. I did not agree with his views, so he decided no one needed to hear them. I already minimized my presence as small as it could be without being completely gone, and even that was not enough.” He was shocked at the amount of hurt Logan was displaying now. He’d known the logical side was not alright for quite a bit, but he hadn’t realized how deeply hurt he was. 

“and I’m sorry for that as well, because I am guilty of silencing you when your opinions did not align with mine. I excluded you from the trial because I knew you would be able to much better defend Thomas, yes, but also because I was trying to show Patton, specifically, that his moral code was flawed. Regardless, that doesn’t excuse my actions, or my part in keeping you from being heard. You should be listened to, Logan. You have so much of such import to say.” They walked on in silence for a moment, Logan’s brain clearly turning over everything he’d said. 

“I understand why you took the course of action you pursued. I also understand the frustration of not being listened to or ignored when you have the solution everyone is seeking, if only they’d take you seriously enough to listen. I appreciate the apology, Janus. You… are the only one who has apologized for anything, in regards to my treatment. I… don’t fully forgive you, yet, but… but I think I will, given time.” He nodded, tugging at his gloves, a small smile tugging at his lips. 

“Of course. I look forwards to earning your forgiveness, Logan. And, for the record, I have always found your lectures interesting.” Logan’s eyes were on him again, scrutinizing him. “Also, I know when you lie, about emotions, and the having of them, specifically. If you ever do want to discuss them, not a word of it will leave the threshold of my room.” He responded seriously, making sure Logan could see he means it. “you’re the one who said repression doesn’t work, Logan.” He threw in for good measure, and finally Logan sighed, adjusting his glasses. 

“That was prudent of me, wasn’t it?” He laughed at the wry dryness of Logan’s voice, not missing the small upturn of Logan’s lips as well. “Perhaps, once this is resolved, I will take you up on that offer to… ‘spill the tea’, as it were.” 

And that’s where Roman would have laughed. Janus could feel the absence of his booming voice, his bright laugh, in every echo of silence that passed by. He let out a long breath, trying to see anything ahead, but finding nothing new as he continued to follow Virgil’s lead, thankful for his impeccable inner compass as he kept companionable pace with Logan.

…

“We should stop.” Everyone looked up from their tired trudging at Virgil’s own tired voice. It was the first thing he’d said since they started walking, who knew how long ago. There didn’t seem to be any sun or day/night cycle, everything was the endless, growing gray. 

“I concur. We need a break to rest. We should try and sleep for a few hours, at least.” Logan added, wincing slightly as he sat, feet sore from more walking than he was used to. “I would advise everyone avoid the thorns. You can experiment later, Remus, when we aren’t already on a quest to rescue a creativity.” Logan added, side eyeing Remus, who was about to lick one of the thorns. Remus huffed but plopped down to the ground, spread out like a starfish as he swung his arms and legs back and forth across the ground. 

“Um… whatcha doin, kiddo?” Patton asked, looking down at Remus, who stopped his furious movement for a moment. 

“Making mist devils.” He replied, sitting up. For a moment, a perfect outline of Remus stayed imprinted in the mist on the ground, before it coalesced once again. Patton’s eyes widened and he giggled. 

“That’s pretty neat! Mind if I join?” Remus’s eyes widened and he smiled, small and hesitant, a real smile, as he nodded. Logan sighed, watching the two of them flail on the ground, devolving into giggles as they tried to make different shapes with their wild movements. It wasn’t rest, but they were relieving tension, and at least they seemed to be getting along.

Virgil had slumped to the ground as well, knees hugged to his chest, head resting atop them. That pose always meant he was worried. So did the eye shadow he wore, already a shade darker than when they had entered. 

“What if we can’t fix whatever is wrong with Roman?” Virgil blurted suddenly, the thought clearly having been revolving through his head all day. 

Janus sat down beside him, resting a hand on his knee, feeling him just barely shaking. 

“we will.”

“How can you be so sure? We don’t even know what he’s done to himself! I mean, look at this place! And Remus said he didn’t feel anything, nothing, from Roman! What… what if we’re too late?” He asked, quieter, voice shaking, and Logan moved to sit on Virgil's other side. 

“We have overcome all of Thomas's previous dilemmas, yes?” Virgil nodded. “And, though difficult, we have each worked through our own personal dilemmas together, correct?” once again, Virgil nodded. “and we are all still growing and changing and coming to terms with ourselves and with each other. But we have always gotten through it all by working together. It stands to reason this will be no different.” Logan finished, watching Virgil carefully, feeling a spike of pride as he saw him using the 4,7,8 technique.

“I know. I… I’m just… I can’t stop thinking, y'know?” Virgil said, running a hand through his hair. “I'm just worried. He went through a lot, yesterday, and I know how that can mess with your head.” He mumbled, not protesting as Janus wrapped an arm around his shoulders, letting his head rest on Janus's chest as his other arms wrapped around him, reminding him of the weight and pressure of his weighted blanket. It felt like home and he nearly cried, burrowing further against him, exhaustion from the trek and the day before and all the stress in general cresting over him now that he felt safe.

“get some rest, love. You could use it.” Janus murmured, and Virgil could feel a hand massaging his scalp. He nearly purred at the gentle touch, letting his thoughts go as he slipped into sleep.  
…  
“you’re rather good at that.” Logan commented, rolling his eyes as he looked over to see Remus and Patton had fallen asleep playing with the mist, and were now snuggled on top of each other, both snoring slightly. Janus followed his gaze and chuckled. 

“I had plenty of practice. His Dark Days were something to behold.”

“Dark days? As in when he lived you as a ‘dark side' as Roman called you all?” Janus shook his head.

“Not quite. When… when he first formed, he was afraid, so afraid, of everything. He couldn’t stop the panic attacks, he was paranoid that everything and everyone was out to get him. Being in his room for barely a minute was unbearable. It took a long time to build trust with him, longer before he would let me help him. He slowly got better at managing, at recognizing the worst of the irrational thoughts, at not isolating himself quite so much. It was hard, the hardest was getting him to believe he deserved anyone’s kindness, getting him to fight for himself.” He shivered slightly, remembering the creeping fear of Virgil's room, the voices whispering, distant screams, eyes watching him from the corners of the room, shadows moving in the edge of his vision. Virgil’s own growling, echoing voice, tempest tongue tempering every word he said with that dark reverb that somehow only grew louder until it drove you insane.

“I’m proud of him. I’m proud of you, Janus.” His eyes widened as his gaze shot to Logan. “You’ve come very far as well. I know none of that was easy. Trusting us, wasn’t easy.” Unconsciously, Janus rubbed at his wrist, the ghost of bare skin making him sigh. 

“I suppose not. But it was necessary. If I wanted your trust, I had to give some of my own. It… is terrifying. With the little I’ve given, how easy it would be to break me down. I know that you won’t, but it still doesn’t change the power you all hold over me now.” 

“We haven’t done a very good job of showing you the benefits of trust. Recently, only the downsides have been demonstrated. None of us have been at our best for some time now.” Logan answered, sighing. Janus smiled tiredly, shifting away his extra arms, idly stroking down Virgil’s back as the side’s eyes twitched in his sleep. 

“We should try and get some sleep. Remus is a font of energy, he’ll be up in a few hours badgering the rest of us until we get moving again.” Janus commented, Logan frowning. 

“unless Roman’s state starts influencing Remus as well. I know they are linked, but I am unsure of the depth of their bond.” 

“I hadn’t thought of that. It’s… unpredictable, how it affects him, sometimes. I’ll keep a closer eye on him just in case, I know his tells better than anyone else.” Logan nodded, smiling a bit fondly as he looked at the pile of Remus and Patton. 

“hopefully we’ll have Roman back with us soon enough we won’t have to worry about it.” Logan answered, settling on his side on the ground, watching Janus do likewise, noticing his slight shiver now that he was closer. 

Without thinking much of it, Logan moved closer, curling around Janus, who had laid down facing away from him, Virgil curled against his chest, still. 

“Is this alright? I noticed you were cold, and with our combined body heat, you should be able to reach a more optimal temperature.” He asked, ready to withdraw, but Janus shook his head after a moment. 

“It’s alright. This… is nice. It is warmer.” Janus replied after a moment of thought, and Logan shifted closer, resting his head in the crook of Janus’s neck, closing his eyes and falling asleep instantly, missing Janus' own small, happy sigh.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus has a nightmare and the crew reaches the tower.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Getting close to what I think is gonna be the end. Only two or three more chapters to go, but this has been really fun to write!

Gray. Everything and nothing and the world was gray. He couldn’t even see his own hand in front of his face, his own being felt strange, not quite solid, on this endless realm of empty nothing that clouded everything. 

But there was one thing, something, pulsing softly at the edge of his senses, dim and distant but there.

“Roman!” he shouted, voice bouncing and ricocheting back at him in a choir of calls, somehow louder than he'd been to start with.

He spun towards the feeling, taking off after it, pulling once more at the bond, feeling him closer, but no more responsive, still frustratingly, emptily, terrifyingly blank.

The farther he got into the gray, the harder it was to keep moving, some force slowing him, until pushing forwards with all his might barely moved him a step.

But he could see something. He grit his teeth, summoned all his strength, and shoved, suddenly through.

The gray was behind, a bubble over this space, one he could somehow feel used to be larger, one he could feel shrinking and cracking, only a matter of time until the gray swept in and devoured it all.

And on a stone pedestal before him was Roman, arms crossed over his chest, still as stone, pale as ivory. His outfit was leeched of color, his sash a pale, faded pink, his gold epaulets a faint yellow, the shine corroded and rusting away.

His heart clenched and he reached out, eyes widening as he felt Roman's cheek. It didn’t just look like ivory, it was cold, solid stone. Roman was turned to stone. 

He stumbled back, screaming as he saw a crack form across Roman's legs, spreading up his body, diverging into hairline fractures that threatened to send him crumbling to rubble.   
…  
“Remus!” 

His eyes snapped open, and he heaved in a choked breath, eyes wild and wide as he saw more of the gray, the devouring gray, and Roman, he had to find Roman, and someone was screaming, and oh, it was him.

He snapped his mouth shut, swallowing the scream still lingering in his throat, feeling hands on his shoulders, realizing Patton was kneeling before him, eyes wide and worried behind his glasses. 

He focused instead on Patton's face, cataloging the rounded wire frames, counting the freckles that bridged his nose, the floof to his disheveled bed head, realizing only at Patton’s small giggle that one of his hands had unconsciously found its way into his hair. It was very soft, a bit like petting a fluffy cat. Maybe Patton’s hair was just a cat, and he’d put it on his head and trained it to stay still so no one would realize he had a pet he was allergic to. 

“It’s not a cat, kiddo, just my hair.” Patton giggled, making Remus realize he'd spoken out loud. “you okay, kiddo? You woke up screaming.” He took a deep breath, surprised that Patton hadn’t pulled away yet, hadn’t told him to get off, hadn’t shoved him away in disgust.

“Remus?” Virgil asked, and his eyes snapped to his, surprised again to see softness instead of the fear he was used to. 

“roman… I saw Roman…” he whispered, disentangling himself from Patton with a grateful glance towards the moral side as he kept ahold of his hand, the touch keeping him from losing hold of his sanity as he stood, still shaky. “not… not him, really, but the Imagination’s manifestation of him, of… of his form, of what he’s feeling or… fuck, I don’t know, I don’t know how to explain it! It’s just… it’s bad. It’s what we already knew. It’s all crumbling down, and soon so will Roman if we can’t fix whatever the hell he did to himself because he thought none of you loved him anymore!” He rants, having let go of Patton at some point, pacing once more, arms swinging wildly. 

“He thinks… we don’t love him?” Patton asked, and he looked at the moral side incredulously. 

“Um. Duh? He was a mess, yesterday. He was basically told everything he’d ever done to try and be good like you wanted meant nothing, that giving up the callback meant nothing, that trusting Janus was bad, but now trusting Janus is good, and being selfish is good, even though before it was bad, and everything that he’d been doing to try and be good was actually hurting everybody else! And then, you-“ Remus spun, pointing at Janus, eyes burning, “You basically called him evil, called him me, which is his worst fear, and none of you stepped in to say otherwise! So yeah, he thinks no one wants him anymore, dipshits!” He yelled angrily, glaring around at the somewhat stricken sides. “Except you, Virgil, you were dealing with your own shit.” He threw in after a moments thought. “Now come on!” He turned on his heel and stomped away, taking the lead, following the thread connecting him to Roman, trying and failing to pull at it and get any response from his other half, not really caring if the others were following or even keeping up.

“I didn’t mean to hurt him… I just thought he needed space.” Patton whispered, feeling almost stuck in place as he pictured Roman’s face before he sunk out, on the verge of tears, hugging himself tightly.

“I know, Patton. But a lot of people got hurt yesterday, by the both of us.” Janus murmured, looking ahead to where Logan and Virgil walked, nearly in step, Remus already disappearing into the fog.

“how do I fix any of this? How… what if I can’t?” Patton asked desolately, looking up at Janus with those wide, puppy dog eyes. 

“You can, and you will. You always do, Pat.” He replied, squeezing Patton’s shoulder once, before pulling him into motion. “Just one step at a time.”   
…

It could have been hours later or mere minutes, when they reached the base of the tower. There was no sense of time there, no sense of anything, and the only thing keeping any of them from going mad from it was the worry that grew with every step. 

Then, suddenly, they were there. 

It was like stepping into a bubble of preserved Imagination. Suddenly, there was green grass underfoot, butterflies flitting from wildflower to wildflower, the colors bright and disorienting after so long in the gray. There was sun again, and fluffy clouds, and blue sky, a sweet, summer breeze lazily gusting by. 

And in the center of it all, was the tower. It spiraled up, up, up, so high that even craning his neck all the way back, Virgil couldn’t quite see the very top of it. He eyeballed the bricks, but at a distance, they all looked solid. He was about to ask Remus if he’d be able to make something, in this uncorrupted sphere of the imagination, when a roar shook the ground. 

Suddenly the sun was blocked out by a huge shadow, and both Virgil and Janus shoved the others back, stumbling after them, as a huge thump sent them all sprawling. Looking back, Virgil sucked in a breath. Of course. Of course Princey couldn’t make an impossible tower, it also had to have a guardian. 

It was a dragon, a giant, fiery red dragon, golden scales interspersed among the ruby red, and it glinted like fire as it flared its wings, roaring once more, a sound that knocked them all further back, sent Virgil’s heart pounding, because it was huge, its talons taller than he was, teeth bared in a low growl as it watched them, slowly approaching. 

“I suggest a tactical retreat.” Logan murmured, trying to stay as still as possible, so as not to trigger the dragon’s hunting instincts. 

“Please, I’ve fought dragons thousands of times, and Roman’s aren’t even venomous!” Remus scoffed. 

“Yes, but that was with the power of the imagination. You can’t conjure here, Remus, you’re at a distinct disadvantage.” Janus cut in, grabbing onto Remus’s wrist before he could lose control and lunge at the beast. 

“Um, guys, we better do something, otherwise we’re gonna be dragon food!” Virgil hissed, unable to pull his eyes away from the furious dragon, who was now snorting smoke out of its nostrils, and he could practically see the fire burning in its belly, ready to erupt at any moment and burn them all to ashes, and then they’d all die just like that, and oh god, Thomas really was going to be a potato, wasn’t he-

“Patton!” Janus hissed, and his eyes shot up, heart freezing in his chest as they all were broken out of their argument, Patton halfway across the clearing to the thundering, scaled beast. 

“Guys, it’s ok.” Patton said, shooting them all a small, worried smile, hands shaking as he approached the dragon, covering his ears as it roared again, right in his face, hearing the others’ sharp intakes of breaths. 

“hey, bud. It’s ok. I’m not gonna hurt you, m’kay?” He said softly, hands raised in the air, eyes looking down at the ground, peeking at the dragon from the corners of his eyes. He saw the dragon nervously kneading the ground, and lowered his hands to his sides. “You’re scared, aren’t you?” The dragon puffed indignantly in his face, wings flapping once, hard enough to knock him onto his butt. He smiled gently, looking up at the dragon, who’s entire focus was on him now, eyes narrowed as it tried to figure him out. 

“I’m scared too. We came looking for our friend, cause we know he’s in trouble. He’s… he’s had a tough time, recently, y’know? That’s why you’re here too, right? To take care of Roman?” He asked, tilting his head, the dragon slowly blinking once, almost like cats do, to show trust. “You’re protecting him, aren’t you? Trying to keep all the bad stuff away.” It’s not really a question, but the dragon seemed to nod, settling down on the ground, still watching Patton warily. He sighed.

“and we’re part of what hurt him, so you’re trying to keep us away, keep us from hurting him more. I get it. But… but we want to help. This place is falling apart, cause of whatever is happening up there, and we can stop it. We have to stop it. Otherwise… otherwise I lose one of my kiddos, and I can’t…” He swiped his eyes with his sleeve, unable to help the sniffles overtaking him, all if it really just hitting him, that he could lose Roman forever. 

“I’d miss him. I’d miss him so, so much, I don’t think I could stand it. And I just want to help him feel better. I just want to tell him how much I love him, and I can’t, and I understand why he’d need space, but he didn’t need to leave…” He was crying, now, full on, messy tears dripping down his face. 

Then suddenly there was warmth against him, and he looked up to see the dragon nuzzling him with its snout, and with a small, broken wail, he hugged back, the dragon curling around him, resting its head in his lap as he pet it and cried and told it everything that had happened, everything that he’d wished he’d done differently, every way he was going to show Roman he was so, so, so, loved when they got him back, because they would get him back, they had to! 

Eventually, he cried himself out, hiccupping slightly as he stroked the dragon’s nose, wiping away the last of his tears. 

“you’re a good listener, huh? You’re a good dragon, too. Thank you, for looking after him.” Patton mumbled, kissing the top of its head softly. The dragon rumbled, almost a purr, and a small smile cracked through his misery as he drew back, sighing as he stared up at the tower. “will you let us through? We just… we wanna make things right.” He whispered, the dragon pulling back, looking at him hard for a long, endless moment, before dipping his head, and stretching out a wing, an invitation to climb aboard. He felt something in his heart lift as he turned back to the others, watching him with varying amounts of amazement and concern. 

“Well? Are you coming?” He echoed Remus, from what felt like years ago, a hopeful smile on his face as they all approached. 

“Is… is this really safe? Like, its not gonna drop us, or anything, right?” Virgil asked, glancing at the dragon a bit distrustfully. 

“It’ll be fine, Virg. I promise.” Virgil sighed, muttering something about going out with a bang, before gingerly climbing up the dragon’s wing, sitting between two of its spine spikes. 

“I’ll go make sure he doesn’t panic himself into falling off.” Janus commented with an eye roll, climbing up next. Logan simply gave him a small nod, his eyes somehow conveying all of his thanks and astonishment, as well as admonishment for putting himself in harm’s way. 

“Remus?” He asked softly, the last one to not board, looking up at the top of the tower’s spiral. 

“What if it really is like my dream? What if he’s crumbled to nothing but rubble?” 

“He hasn’t. This wouldn’t still be here, if he already had gone. We can do this, Ree. We all can. Together.” Remus stared a moment at Patton’s outstretched hand, taking a shuddering breath as he clasped it firmly in his, pulling Patton into a hug before he could stop himself. 

“thank you. For being so nice to me.” He mumbled, before he pulled away, springing up the dragon’s wing, Patton right behind, a slight frown playing on his lips. He’d have to make a point of including Remus more, inviting him to family events, him and Janus both. 

Because… because they were, part of the family. Family fought and squabbled and yelled and disagreed, but family loved each other, in the end, were only trying to look out for each other, even when that meant butting heads. They were his kiddos now, too, and he was determined that no one ever feel unwanted, ever again.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The others finally reach Roman.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go, folks, the moment y'll've been waiting for! Feel free to scream at me in the comments :)

None of them knew what to expect, when the dragon finally reached the large window that led into the tower, claws digging into the stone, tail wrapped around the tower to keep steady as he extended his wing, allowing them to disembark. Virgil practically fell off the wing into the tower, face so pale Patton was afraid he was going to pass out. 

“Are you alright, Virgil? Logan asked, kneeling on the ground beside the slightly sweating side. 

“Just… god, that’s worse than the whole rising up thing.” He moaned, taking a few deep breaths, color coming back to his face, as he accepted Logan’s hand to help pull him to his feet. 

“Thank you.” Patton said to the dragon, giving it another gentle kiss on its nose, laughing slightly as he felt the dragon gently bump his chest, telling him to go and fix this, already. Then the dragon took off, soaring back into the sky.

“oh, Roman.” Janus whispered, eyes wide as he looked down at the deathly still side. His chest rose and fell in deep, too slow breaths, too much time between each one, like something in hibernation. One arm was across his chest, the other limp across the bed, just barely hanging off the edge. All the color was gone from him, his entire outfit that same, drab, empty, misty gray, even his skin seemed paler. He reached out, smoothing back Roman’s hair, breath catching at how cold he felt, if it weren’t for the slow, steady breaths rising and falling he would think Roman was well and truly dead. 

“Fuck. Fuck, fuck FUCK!” Remus screamed, making everyone jump, all eyes turning to him as he stared, breathing heavily, at the spinning wheel in the center of the room. With a wordless, furious screech, he drew his morning star, and started pounding, swinging, beating the wood until it was nothing but splinters, until his arms were shaking and the weapon fell from his hands as he sunk to the floor, clutching and ripping at his hair. “Of course he would, of course that melodramatic, Disney fanatic, idiotic BITCH WOULD!” 

“Remus, you need to breathe.” He was hyperventilating, but he didn’t care, he didn’t care, he’d seen Roman, he’d seen the spindle, he’d beat it to hell, and he’d beat Roman to hell if they ever managed to wake him up, for doing this to him. 

“Sleeping curse, it’s a sleeping curse, he did a sleeping curse ON HIMSELF!” He rants, shoving away from Logan, attempting to calm him, frantically pacing, a choked sob escaping him every time his eyes flicked to Roman.

“So how do we break it?” Patton asked, and he shook his head, still pulling at his hair.

“I believe in most films it is true love’s kiss, is it not? However, Roman does not have a ‘true love’ per se, amongst us.” Logan answered, watching Remus with concern. 

“Point to Pointdexter! Usually, it is.” 

“But-“ Virgil prompted. 

“But I don’t know the rules of this one. He could have done anything! It could be permanent, it could be he only wakes under a certain set of circumstances, it could be we need to make a potion, it could be anything, literally anything! All I know, is the longer it takes for us to figure it out, the harder it’ll be to wake him up, even if we’re doing the correct thing.” He hissed as Patton grabbed his hands, trying to back away, but Patton’s grip was firm, and he couldn’t fight those wide, worried eyes anymore as he slumped into Patton’s embrace, letting loose the silent tears building to bursting as he buried his head against Patton’s shoulder. 

“I know, baby. I know.” Patton murmured, holding him tight and gently swaying back and forth. 

“I need him. I n-need him or I c-can’t…” Patton held him tighter, shushing him gently as he felt Remus hug him back. 

“Well, it wouldn’t be random. He wrote Janus a letter, he clearly planned this out, thought about what he was doing before acting. The phrasing of the letter shows that it is a set of circumstances that would be conceivable to achieve, some criteria that Roman currently believes he does not meet, however erroneous that belief is.” Logan stated, agitatedly running a hand through his hair, as he began to pace. 

“Ok, well, Remus already said that he thought everyone didn’t love him anymore, so could it be, I don’t know, he needs to feel loved?” Virgil asked, sitting on the floor at the foot of the bed, tracking Logan’s pacing back and forth. 

“no. he’s… he’s felt unloved before, and he’s never done this.” Remus replied softly, finally pulling away from Patton, moving to sit on the edge of the bed, carefully taking Roman’s hand in his, squeezing his eyes shut against the traitorous tears still falling.

“What if… if it isn’t love? What if it’s being… needed?” Patton asked, voice small. Janus stopped his stroking of Roman’s hair in surprise, glancing at the moral side, turning it over. 

“That… could be right. He learned yesterday that much of what he’s been doing to help Thomas had been hurting him, that his black and white thinking was critically flawed and I… I as good as called him the same as Remus. Which he translated to… replaceable.” Janus swallowed hard, looking back down at Roman’s still as stone face. 

“I pushed him too far, too. I… I didn’t realize I was doing it, but I was. I made him feel like nothing he did was ever… good enough. Pure, enough.” 

“So how do we wake him, if need is indeed the trigger?” Logan asked, looking between Patton and Janus. 

“that’s easy. We tell him how much he’s needed. We make him believe it, even if we have to pound it into him, until he wakes up so I can strangle him.” Remus answered, words belied by the tight grip he had on Roman’s hand, how his lip trembled ever so slightly, and Patton walked over, wrapping him in another hug from behind, steadying the wild side. 

“You’re right. It is easy. Because we do, we really, really do, need him so, so, so much.”   
…

“I need him. I n-need him or I c-can’t-"

The words sparked something. 

Not awareness. Not much of anything. 

But it wasn’t nothing.

Faintly, a tug. A tug at something that might have been a soul, a twinge of familiarity. 

“Roman, kiddo, please… please.” Choked, sad, dimly, he knew he didn’t like that voice to be sad. 

Gray. When had he gotten in this deep, graying black? His mind felt hazy, barely aware, and he felt trapped in his own body, unable to move even if he wanted to.

He didn’t. He wanted to brush off the strange voices and sink back into the gray.

It was nice there. Quiet, endless, empty. Nothing to be, no mask to wear, it was simpler to just sink.

“Roman. Without you we cannot function as a group. Please… wake up.” He could feel something. Someone holding his hand, rubbing circles over his knuckles. Someone stroking his hair.

He didn’t understand. He wasn’t supposed to be dreaming. He reached for the nothing, but it slipped out of his grasp at another voice.

“Princey, I cannot manage this train wreck alone. I… need you.” He was so close, to placing that voice. He could feel himself hovering, on the edge of waking, on the edge of sleep, toeing between the two, unsure which way he wanted to fall.

“roman. I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you, like this. I’m supposed to protect you, and I failed miserably. I let my own pride and ego and hurt get in the way. It’s time to wake up.” That voice was soft and gentle, and remorseful, and suddenly everything came flooding back, the fog retreated, burning away, leaving him to gasp as his eyes fluttered open, inhaling deeply as he tried to get his bearings. 

“Roman?” He blinked, trying to clear his vision, trying to force his throat into functioning. 

“How… how long, has it been?” He asked, voice dry and cracked, weakly trying to sit. Instantly, Patton was there, helping support him into a sitting position, an arm wrapped around his shoulders. He looked around at the group, a small frown quirking his lips. “I figured you’d all age with Thomas. A little gray hair would look good on you guys. Specially you, Specs.” Everyone was silent, looking a bit stricken, then Janus came into view, kneeling beside the bed.

“Roman. How long do you think it's been?” He shrugged, looking away.

“oh, I don’t know. Maybe ten, twenty, years?” That was evidently the wrong thing to say, as he suddenly had a very angry emo in his face, looming over him.

“Virgil, stuck with the eyeshadow, huh? Thought you would’ve found a darker shade by now.”

“Shut up, Princey. Just… just shut up. You really… how could you think…” He was surprised when Virgil fell into his lap, nearly in tears. Instantly, he hugged him gently.

“Easy there, doom and gloom.” He murmured, looking up, Remus staring back at him, eyes wide and fists clenched, trembling. Logan looked no better, a strange, hurt expression on his face.

“roman… it has been roughly three days.” His barely awake mind short circuited. Three days? Not… years, not decades, just… days?

“no, no, that… that can’t be right… that doesn’t make any sense, I…”

“Roman. Why doesn’t it make sense?” Janus asked, and he realized the scaled side was still stroking his knuckles. He sucked in a breath, and looked away.

“I must have done the spell wrong, is all. That… that must be it.” He mumbled.

“Why do you think that?” Janus asked again, voice gentle, and he squeezed his eyes shut. 

“because I was only to wake if I was ever truly needed. And… and I am not.” Virgil barely managed to roll out of Roman's lap as a blur of green barreled into him, Remus clinging to him tightly.

“Shut your stupid whore mouth you asshat. That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard leave that shiny mouth of yours.” 

“Remus-"

“You were gonna leave? You were gonna leave me in charge? I’m a walking dumpster fire, and you thought I could handle running Thomas’s channel?” Remus asked incredulously. 

“I thought… that’s what you wanted.” He whispered, Remus pulling back from his tight embrace, glaring at him through glassy eyes. 

“No! I… I wanted to do it with you, moron! I wanted to fight and bicker and argue and make up and be your goddamn brother!” Remus snapped, tears slipping down his face. He didn’t say anything, simply stared, a bit dumbfounded, majorly confused. 

“why… I don’t… I don’t understand. I make a mess, of everything. I… never learn… I keep making the same mistakes… I don’t… I just keep hurting all of you. I just keep hurting Thomas." 

“Roman. We all make mistakes. We are all struggling to grow and adjust. It is ok, to be confused, to be angry, to be hurt. But you must, must remember that no matter what, we love you Roman. We will always, always, need you.” Logan, voice trembling uncharacteristically, and his breath caught, letting out a low, gasping, sob.

“Oh honey. Oh Roman, baby, we love you, we need you, I love you.” Patton murmured, hugging him and Remus, who was still holding tight to him. In a moment, he felt Logan’s arms around him, the logical side shaking as he held him tight. 

“You… make us better, Princey. You make me better.” Virgil mumbled, an echo of his own long ago words, and he stifled another sob.

“It’s ok, Roman. Let it out, dearie. None of us are going anywhere.” Janus, squeezing his hand gently, that tender action breaking his last reserve of fortitude as he broke down, sobbing and blubbering fat, rolling tears, burying his face into the crook of Remus's shoulder.

He could feel the others, hugging him, rubbing his back, running circles over his knuckles, squeezing his arm, murmuring a thousand kind, reassuring words, each touch setting his skin ablaze because they were there and holding him and honestly, honestly? He hadn’t really ever expected to see them again.

After a long, long time, his sobs died down into quiet sniffles, though he couldn’t quite bring himself to pull away from the warmth of the group hug he was now the center of, didn’t want any of them to ever let go, but he was exhausted. If he were more aware, he might almost laugh, who knew a sleeping curse would make you more tired once you woke up? But he was, he was exhausted, and felt weak and shaky, a little off kilter, not entirely awake, somehow. 

“I’m sorry. I-"

“shh, we know, Ro. We know. You don’t need to apologize. This… this is on us. This is our fault, for making you feel… making you think…” Patton murmured against him, trailing off with his own small sob. “you wanna go home, now?” Patton asked instead, and he nodded weakly, flicking his wrist, a shimmering portal appearing in the center of the tower, reflecting the living room.

Slowly, everyone disentangled themselves from around him, managing with minimal cursing, making him smile, just a tad, though he still felt empty and overwhelmed. 

He was surprised when a gloved hand came into view, looking up to see Janus, eyes warm and crinkled with concern, something almost hesitant in his gaze. With a huff, he accepted the outstretched hand, let Janus support him on his shaky legs, feeling like a newborn fawn trying to stand for the first time.

“I am sorry, Roman. I was cruel, in my words.” Janus murmured in his ear, as they walked towards the portal. He looked up at the scaled side for a moment, before his eyes flicked away. 

“I started it. It’s… it’s my fault.” He mumbled, feeling Janus stop, tip his chin up so they were eye to eye once more. 

“No. It isn’t, dearie. You were hurting, so you lashed out. I took it too far. Not everything is on you, Roman.” He swallowed hard, giving a sharp, small nod. Janus could tell he didn’t really believe him, but he’d at least heard him.

“ok.” He whispered, letting the others squeeze his shoulder, Patton holding his hand, as they passed him through the portal, him and Janus following after. 

…

As soon as he made it into the living room, his legs buckled under him, vision swimming as exhaustion swept over him, the portal snapping shut as he lost hold of his power, drained and empty, dimly glad the others had come through first. 

“-man! Roman!” someone’s voice cut through the cotton in his ears, and he blinked hazily, trying to get colors to stop blurring, trying to get the world to stop spinning. 

“-Ill from being cut off for so long-“ 

“was only a few days!” 

“-Roman.” He looked up, barely able to move even that much, limbs weighed down by gravity, a pull so strong he could barely keep his eyes open, but he recognized Logan before him. 

“teach?” He rasped out, double vision blurring him into two hazy forms. He heard Logan let out a low breath, something close to relief flickering across his face. 

“yes. Very good. We’re going to get you settled, alright? You’ve come down with a fever, likely from your prolonged stasis exposure cutting you off from both Thomas and the imagination. We’re going to take you back to your room and-“ 

“No! no, out here… please. Don’t… don’t wanna be alone.” He whispered, tears pricking his eyes, he couldn’t stand to be alone, he couldn’t stand to wake up alone, right now, because he was half terrified that if he fell asleep he’d sink back into the gray, into the nothing, and he didn’t want that anymore, he didn’t want this all to be a delusion, or a dream.

“Hey, we’re not going anywhere, princey. God knows I’m never leaving you alone again, you clueless moron.” Virgil said, making him chuckle weakly at the lack of venom behind the insult, feeling the concern the anxious side was trying to mask. 

“L-love you, all.” He stuttered out, before darkness took him completely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's fine, I promise.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman recovers, and the sides have a much needed conversation.
> 
> Now featuring cuddles. So many cuddles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking this is the last chapter, folks, so thanks for reading! I might play around with this a little more, so feel free to comment with ideas or requests, and I might get around to them!

Patton let out a small whine, gathering Roman into his arms, smiling a bit tearfully as he curled closer to him, nuzzling against him with a small sigh. He could feel the heat radiating off Roman, the small shivers wracking his frame, and he summoned a blanket, tucking it around him as he moved them both onto the couch. 

“Ree? You mind expanding this so we all fit?” He asked, looking up at Remus, who cleared his throat, blinking back his own tears, before nodding once, with a snap expanding the couch into a huge bed, complete with fluffy green blankets and pillows. He blinked back more tears, as Patton smiled kindly, patting the spot beside him. 

Remus was there in an instant, snuggling up beside him, his head on Patton’s shoulder, forehead resting against Roman’s, clasping one of Roman’s hands in his as he took a deep breath in, focusing on his bond to Roman, which he could feel, he could feel Roman again, right there, right there, right there. 

Janus slipped in on Patton’s other side, situating himself so he was half sitting, half reclined, setting his gloves aside as he reached up, letting his hand rest in Patton’s hair, gently massaging his scalp. The moral side practically purred, closing his eyes and leaning into Janus, closing what little space had been between them, to Janus’ fond amusement. 

Virgil curled up around Remus with little fanfare, his presence a solid support against Remus’s back, making him breath a little easier at the soft, pressing weight, smiling just a bit as he felt Virgil’s arms settle around his waist, hugging him close, his head pressing against his back. He hummed appreciatively as Virgil nuzzled closer, a bit touched that he still remembered how he liked to be cuddled. It had been too long since he’d been any kind of close with the resident rain cloud, but for the first time he felt like that might change. 

Logan was the last to climb in, taking off his tie and setting his glasses carefully aside, once again tucking himself around Janus, just as he had in the forest of vines, feeling Janus’s surprise at his outright display of affection, but he was too tired and worried to care about his feelingless façade. Instead, he just sighed, content to join the ‘cuddle pile’ as Patton would call it, unable to keep his gaze off Roman. 

“He’s going to be alright, Lo.” Janus murmured, his free hand finding Logan’s, squeezing it once before intertwining their fingers. “He just needs rest, and lots of love, to recover.” 

“I’m still worried. Any number of things could go wrong, with a fever like this.” 

“Hey. Leave the worrying to me, teach. Trust me, I’m doing enough for the both of us.” Virgil mumbled from the other end of the couch, making him chuckle slightly. 

“Apologies, Virgil.” 

“I’ll let it slide this time, Lo. Don’t make a habit of it.” Virgil said, faux threatening tone belied by his giant yawn, eyes slipping shut. Logan felt Janus untwine their fingers, instead wrapping his arm around Logan’s shoulders, rubbing soothing circles on his back, and he let his own eyes drift closed in surprised delight. This… felt very, very, nice. Maybe if (when) he took himself up on Janus’s offer to talk about his (non)existent feelings, he’d ask for more physical touch, as well. He drifted off to Janus’s gentle touch and Patton’s low, humming lullaby. 

…

He woke slowly.

First, he was aware of softness surrounding him, warmth emanating from every side, the overwhelming sense of safety, love, warmth filling him up.

Then he felt the soft exhale of breath against him, something shifting against him, and he realized it was arms around him, holding him.

He could feel his limbs, heavy as weights, his body sore and aching all over, and with monumental effort, he tried to open his eyes, succeeding only in letting out a small noise as his body tried to comply. 

“Princey?” Virgil, his voice sounding sleepy. “Roman, can you hear me?” instantly the emo sounded more awake, and he felt someone shift against him, a hand pushing back his hair. He managed another pitiful sounding whine, eyes flickering open, vision dim and blurry.

“Virg..?” he managed, his face a blur, only purple and black coming through, telling him who it was. 

“Hey, there, Princey. How ya feeling?” He nuzzled against Virgil's hand, a soft sigh escaping his lips. 

“Roman! Roro, ro, im gonna kill you, you hear me? Imma kill you.” His words were countered by his gentle, oh so careful hug, as Remus helped him into a sitting position, keeping an arm around his shoulders as he leaned against him, the altitude change making him inhale sharply. 

“rem… ‘m sorry, rem. I thought-" he was cut off by Remus kissing the top of his head, pressing their foreheads together.

“I know what you thought, big dummy. Just don’t… don’t let it happen again. You scared me.” Remus mumbled the last sentence before pulling back, letting him rest his head against his chest, eyes fluttering closed once again.   
…

His eyes fluttered open at a soft touch on his forehead, blearily meeting Logan's surprised gaze. 

“Hey teach.” He rasped, managing a small smile, though his head was pounding. 

“Roman. Your fever has broken, but you’re very dehydrated, and no doubt exhausted yet. Can you drink this, for me?” Logan's voice was uncharacteristically soft as he helped support him, helped him lift the cup of water to his lips, which he drank gratefully.

“Remus… where-"

“Janus and Virg are with him, making him get some rest. He’s been watching over you, kiddo.” If he weren’t so tired, he would have jumped. He hadn’t even realized the cushion behind him was, in fact, Patton, unusually quiet, voice a bit shaky. 

He let out a breath, nodding, sinking back against Patton, feeling Patton shift to fully cradle him on his lap, and to his surprise, he felt Logan shift closer as well, gently scritching at his scalp. 

“I love you, Ro. I love you so, so much. No matter what, I love you, Roman.” Patton murmured in his ear, and he smiled softly, nuzzling closer.

“love you too, padre. Thank you, Lo, for taking care of me.” Then he’s drifting off again.

“of course I’m taking care of you Roman. I… love you.”  
…

He woke to the smell of food cooking. He groaned, though his head no longer pounded and his body didn’t ache. He felt… rested. For the first time in a long time, he felt like he’d gotten a good night's sleep. 

He rubbed his eyes, pushing himself up to sitting, eyes squinting open as they adjusted to the light of the living room.

He was alone, at the moment, and he felt a strange pang of fear, before he heard voices from the kitchen. He tilted his head, he couldn’t make out the words, but it sounded like Patton and Janus, at least. 

He was a bit shaky on his legs, wincing at their soreness from lack of use, the curled up position he’d been sleeping in, leaning against the wall as he crossed the short distance to the kitchen, leaning in the doorway for a moment to get his bearings.

Logan was sitting slumped at the table, face in his hands, hair frazzled and glasses askew, sans tie. Virgil was beside him, hand on his shoulder, clearly trying to ease his worry, though his own face was pinched. Janus and Patton were both cooking, moving flawlessly around each other, like a dance long perfected, a bit mesmerizing to watch. And Remus was sitting on the ceiling, gravity somehow not affecting him as he muttered under his breath, scribbling frantically in a journal, occasionally summoning a colored pencil or gel pen to his hand, and Roman realized there were about twenty colors rolling around on the ceiling.

It was a soft, casual scene, a family scene, and he felt a little bittersweet smile on his face, because everyone was happy and content, and how had they ever broken the spell, when they had each other like this? 

“Food’s almost done. Lo, you wanna go check on-“ Patton cut himself off with a gasp, eyes widening and dropping the spatula he’d been holding on the ground as he locked eyes with Roman. With a wordless cry, Patton threw himself across the room, Roman letting out a soft ‘oof’ as he caught the moral side, holding him tight in his arms, feeling Patton shake against him. 

“heya, padre.” He mumbled. Patton drew back, cupping his face in his hands, his eyes wide and watery, somewhat anger filled as he glared up at him. 

“Roman Creativity Sanders, what the gosh darn HELL were you thinking!?” He drew back, shocked at Patton yelling, much less swearing. 

“Pat, I-“ 

“I love you, Roman. I love you so, so, so much, don’t you dare ever think otherwise, don’t you dare ever leave like that again, Roman. You are part of this family, you hear me? Anything that’s wrong we can work out together, if you need space just tell us and we’ll let you have it, if we’re bothering you just let us know, but don’t you ever, ever leave, please, Roman, please…” 

“Hey, hey, hey, I won’t, I’m sorry, padre, I’m sorry, pat. I’m not… I’m not going anywhere.” He murmured, pulling Patton back into his arms, burying his face against Patton’s shoulder, tears leaking from his own eyes at the absolute love radiating off of Patton, dispelling all his doubts of moments before. 

“we made chicken fettucine alfredo. I know… I know it’s your favorite.” Patton sniffled, a small smile flicking across his face. 

“It smells wonderful, Pat. I’d love some.” He murmured, not pulling away from Patton at all, despite his words, making Patton giggle slightly. Patton moved back after a moment, tugging him to the table, where he sunk into his customary seat, fidgeting a bit nervously with his sleeves, feeling the eyes of the others’ on him. He jumped as Remus did a flip from the ceiling, landing hard enough to leave a small impact crater on the floor, colored pencils and gel pens raining down around the kitchen. 

Wordlessly, Remus stomped over to him, glaring so angrily he could feel the heat of his gaze, and he shrunk down further in his seat, unable to look up and face those angry green eyes, to face the wrath and disappointment and fury. 

“Remus-“ He didn’t get another word in as Remus fell into his lap, legs wrapping around his middle, arms wrapped around his neck in a koala hug, his head tucked in the crook of his neck. He was too surprised to move for a moment, before he wrapped Remus in a tight hug back, breath hitching as more tears spilled, hiding his face in Remus’s shirt. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to. He could feel the waves of anger/grief/relief/fear/hurt/comfort/love/hate/want/need rolling off Remus, and knew his own emotions were just as much of a tangled mess, but at the moment it didn’t matter, because they were at least together. 

“are you gonna move, so we can eat, rem?” He asked, stomach grumbling as Janus put a plate on the table in front of him, piled with noodles and sauce and chicken, all of it smelling delightful, the scaled side gently ruffling his hair as he passed to hand out other plates. 

“nope. Deal with it.” Remus stated flatly against him, making him chuckle lightly, but he didn’t protest. 

“ok. Don’t be mad if I drip anything on you, then. I know how hard it is to get stains out of that silk.” He commented, Remus giving a noncommittal sound in return, simply squeezing him tighter. 

They ate in relative silence. Once he took a bite he realized how starving he really was and practically devoured the plate of food, not to mention how absolutely divine it tasted, and while eating he was able to ignore the silence, ignore the eyes flicking to him, ignore the questions and inevitable conversation he could feel building in the air, making his pulse start to ever so slightly speed as he forced his breathing even. 

“Well, thanks for the meal, and taking care of me, but I should be off.” He tried, forcing a bright smile to his face, ignoring the frown on Patton’s face, the soft concern on Janus’s. 

“Roman, we really should-“ 

“It’s fine! I’m fine, now, and we can all just… move on.” He interrupted Logan, forcing himself to meet the logical side’s eyes, hoping his expression was strong enough not to crack. 

“Bullshit.” His smile slipped at Virgil’s statement, a hint of tempest tongue slipping into his voice. 

“Language, Virg.” Virgil’s eyes narrowed more at his admonishment, and he swallowed hard under Virgil’s stony gaze. 

“Stop it.” Virgil snapped, continuing before he could interrupt again. “Stop pretending like you’re fine, like you didn’t just wake up from a three day fever sleep, stop bullshitting me, Princey, and just fucking talk to us!” His eyes widened and he reached out, across the table, grasping Virgil’s hand in his to steady him, opening and closing his mouth several times as he looked for the words, before finally sighing and looking away.

“I don’t know what you want me to say.” He finally uttered, letting his tired defeatedness show as he rubbed his face, running the hand through his hair. 

“We want to know why.” Virgil asked, almost begged. He let out a sharp laugh, letting go of Virgil and sinking back in his seat, shaking his head. 

“you already know why. You figured out the curse, didn’t you?” He asked, unable to help the bitter edge to his voice. 

“we did. We know you felt unwanted, Roman, but I would like to understand why.” Janus, and he barely held back his scoff, softening a bit as Remus shifted out of his lap and into a new chair beside him, still holding tight to his hand. 

“Because I was. I… know you… care, but that doesn’t mean you… need me. I…” he took a deep breath, trying to keep it together. “none of my ideas are… are good, and I can’t make anything right, and I just keep screwing everything up, and I can’t… I can’t keep up. I’m not… I’m just not smart enough. Thomas has outgrown me. You all have outgrown me. Remus… Remus is more equipped, to handle the gray scale than I am. He understands it, he knows it, he lives it, he has the more mature themes that Thomas wants to explore, anyway, things I can’t understand or… or do because of what I am, and no matter how hard I try I can’t change my core function in that way. I… am just a relic of childhood that has refused to go away. The… the imaginary friend, that has stuck around too long. I should have faded years ago, anyways, so stasis… it seemed like the best option.” 

He could feel Remus squeezing his hand in a death grip, and he smiled weakly, looking up at the others, trying to keep his vision from blurring with tears. “like I said, it’s fine. I didn’t… I didn’t expect to hang on this long, anyways. It’s nice, to know you care, and you want me, but I’m not… essential. Not like the rest of you.” 

“Roman. I… I am all too aware of how these cognitive distortions would have developed, but you must recognize that… that what you have said is simply not true!” 

“That’s kind of you Logan, but it isn’t necessary-“ 

“FALSEHOOD!” Logan screeched, slamming his hands down on the table, leaning on them heavily as he suddenly stood, sending his chair toppling backwards as he stared down Roman. “It’s clearly extremely necessary as you apparently have no idea of your inherent, incredible, value, and all you bring to this team! You are half of creativity. You are Thomas’s passion and romance and love. You are his aspirations and his hopes and his dreams, you are all the things he wishes and hopes for and desires. Remus also encapsulates some of that, yes, but not in the same way. Remus is lust and dark desires, the violent split second thoughts Thomas thinks when angry or frustrated, the late night desires that come from his loneliness or the occasional lewd dreams when he takes over for the night, the inappropriate, crude jokes and laughing at innuendos, finding amusement in the childish ones in animated films, but he is not the same as you, and he could not ever feasibly replace you. You drive us forwards with intention, not the random chaos Remus throws us forwards with. So while you may consider it kind of me to say, clearly it needs to be said more often and with much more force, because it is also irrevocably true, that you are not only needed, you are essential, you are wanted, and you are needed, not only by Thomas but by all of us, as well!” He gaped at Logan, he didn’t think he’d ever heard him shout that much, or show that much emotion all at once, so openly, his eyes glistening behind his glasses. He… didn’t even know what he was thinking.

“Logan is right, Roman. I… know you may not want to hear it from me, or… or even listen to me at all, right now, but he is right. All of us are tired and overworked and need a break to take care of ourselves and each other, no one more than you. I know how hard you work, Roman, how hard you constantly, endlessly work. You are critically important, Roman. That should never be in debate.” Janus added, sincerity in his soft tone. 

“I meant it, princey. You make me better. You make all of us better. I… god, it hurts to admit, but I like your company, Ro. You’re so… good.” Virgil muttered, face burning crimson, eyes gleaming from behind his bangs as he fiddled nervously with his sweater, giving him a small, tired smile. 

Then there was a blur of blue, and he was once again pulled into one of Patton’s papa bear hugs, and he let himself cry, leaning into Patton’s hold, feeling Patton rub his back and rock him as he let himself go and cried, for the first time letting himself believe what they were saying, letting out all the hurt and confusion and pain from the last video, from the last few videos, from the last few years, not caring anymore about who saw, how he was perceived, not caring about his image, that had gone to shit anyway, and he cried because he didn’t know who the hell he was supposed to even be anymore. 

“just yourself, baby. You only need to be exactly who you are, whoever that is, whoever you want that to be.” 

“B-but y-y-you don’t l-like him.” He sobbed. “every time I t-try to b-b-be him, n-no one wants him. Every one w-wants prince roman, h-happy and d-dazzling and f-f-fun but n-no one listens or c-cares ab-out any oth-er kind of me.” 

Patton inhaled sharply, holding Roman tighter, looking helplessly to the others for some kind of assistance, for something to say, because Roman was right. In the past, they’d only wanted happy, chipper Roman, they’d only wanted to show the best parts of themselves, with no room for anything else, and it had hurt them all, and it had been his own fault, for thinking that repression was the best answer. 

“Roman. I promise, I promise you, that things will be different. They need to be different, we will make sure it’s different, because I will not, I won’t, I won’t hurt you like this again, I won’t shut out everything except your positivity, you get to be mad and sad and upset, you get to feel Roman, no matter what that feeling is.” Patton murmured, voice choked. 

“p-promise?” His heart broke at how small Roman sounded, and he kissed his head, drawing back so they were eye to eye.

“I swear it, Ro. And… and Janus will call all of us out, from now on, if we’re not letting ourselves feel, r-right, Jan?” He asked, looking up at the scaled side, who nodded. 

“I will, if that’s what you want. Not in front of everyone, if unnecessary, but if I sense you lying to yourself or to the others about your feelings, I can step in so you can let them out. So we can all have a constructive conversation. I think… we could all use a few of those.” Janus answered softly, surprised at being asked to help, surprised even more as Roman nodded. 

“o-ok.” 

“yeah. And I’ll beat the living fuck out of anyone who says your feelings are dumb or doesn’t listen to you.” Remus answered, getting a small, watery laugh out of Roman. 

“What do you need, Roman?” Logan asked, voice gentle, as Roman looked up at him, inhaling a shaky breath. 

“N-nothing, it’s-“ 

“Roman. Don’t make me start calling you out already.” Janus, a small, half exasperated smile on his lips. 

“Ro. No one’s gonna judge, okay? Just… please. Let us help.” Virgil, and how could he say no to that gentle, pleading tone? 

“just… can we just watch a movie? Together?” He asked, letting out a small squeak as Patton easily lifted him up, carrying him to the living room and depositing him gently on the still giantly extended couch.

“Any movie in particular, kiddo?” Patton asked as he slid off Patton’s lap, instead sitting beside him, one of Patton’s arms around his shoulder as he leaned against him. He almost said it didn’t matter, before he thought better of it, a small smile creeping across his face. 

“maybe… maybe Inside Out?” He asked quietly, rewarded with a soft, beaming smile from Patton. 

“Sounds perfect, kiddo.” 

Janus popped the dvd into the player as the other sides slowly settled in. Logan sat down on Roman’s other side, tentatively reaching out and taking his hand, cheeks faintly pink as he focused on the screen, though he started rubbing circles on Roman’s knuckles. Janus sat down on Patton’s other side, a hand resting on the moral side’s leg, ever so slowly letting his head rest on Patton’s shoulder. Remus settled on the floor, sprawling out and laying across all their feet, flipping over on his stomach and summoning his sketchbook once more, needing something to do with his hands. Virgil climbed up the couch, laying stomach down atop the back of it, his head resting atop the cushion between Roman and Logan, one hand idly finding its way into Roman’s hair, the other cushioning his chin as his gaze flicked between the movie and Roman, slowly relaxing as every moment convinced him a little more that Roman was here, Roman was going to be ok.   
…  
“patton?” Roman’s sleepy voice asked, halfway through the film. Virgil was long asleep atop the couch, one hand still in Roman’s hair. Logan’s head was tilted back, soft snores escaping his nose every few seconds. He couldn’t quite tell if Janus was actually sleeping or not, though his eyes had been closed for the last half hour, hat and gloves discarded on the cushions beside him. And Remus was splayed out like a starfish across the floor, having summoned a giant stuffed animal octopus that he was tangled up with, and a blanket Patton had summoned and draped over him. It was quite cute, actually, even if he occasionally sleep mumbled something about the crunch of bones in his teeth, or how crickets screamed when you ripped off their legs. 

“yeah, Ro?” He answered quietly, draping a blanket over Virgil behind him, before tucking the rest of them on the couch in with a large quilt. 

“thank you. For… for not giving up on me.” He let out a soft breath, smoothing back Roman’s hair. 

“I will never give up on you, Roman. I love you, sweetie. Forever and ever. Ok?” He asked softly, feeling Roman looking up at him, nuzzling closer, tucking his chin against Patton’s chest. 

“m’kay, pat. Love you.” He mumbled, feeling the ghost of a kiss against his head. 

“love you too, kiddo. We all do.” And for the first time, in a long time, Roman believed it.


End file.
